Fireproofing Your Identity

— by David Park

In Counterfeit Gods, Tim Keller writes that an idol is “anything more important to you than God, anything that absorbs your heart and imagination more than God, and anything that you seek to give you what only God can give.” Few Christ followers set out to make something an idol, to find security and significance in something other than God. Yet we know, as Calvin said, that our hearts are idol making factories. For me, I had made idols of good things - a beautiful family, thriving friendships, and a growing company. But even good things make terrible gods. There was tremendous stress and pressure both at work and in my relationships with my extended family. Most days I could convince myself that everything was fine, but it never was. Despite everything I knew about where I should find my sense of identity and worth, I had found too much of it in something other than my relationship with God.

The reality of this finally became clear in early 2017. While putting our three boys to bed, they started complaining about something they hadn’t been able to do that day, seemingly forgetting about all the good things that had occurred. Our children, it seemed to me, were not just ungrateful for what they had received that day, but they were unaware of the privilege they lived in generally. Something in me snapped, and I got angry - a desperate, uncontrolled anger meant to scare my children into seeing the error of their ways. I will make sure they remember this. I yelled and screamed until they were huddled in the corner of the room, crying, with terror in their eyes.

Later that evening, I was stunned and heartbroken. I remembered being their age, trying to make sense of the anger in my household. My entire life, I had sworn I would never react the way I had that evening. I didn’t even know what had led me to be so afraid and angry that day, but I knew it wasn’t going to be a one-time event. The fear and anger had been there under the surface—it just came out at that moment of weakness.

Looking back, I could see the many signs God had placed in my path to try and wake me up. But it took a heartbreaking moment with my children for God to get my attention. He had been knocking on the door of my heart for years, and I had ignored Him with what I thought were reasonable excuses:

Nothing is wrong—look at how great everything is going!

I can’t deal with that issue . . . it would rock the boat too much.

What would people think if they knew I had this problem?

For the last three years, I have been on a journey of trying to understand how I got to that breaking point. It seemed like I had been doing and learning all the right things. But there was a disconnect between my head and my heart. Despite what I professed to believe, I had put tremendous value in the performance of my business and family over my relationships with God and others. There were things I believed deep in my heart that I needed to better understand. Hidden beneath the veneer of my shiny, put-together life was a fragile identity in Christ. 

God, in His grace, put me on a new path. I am still early on the journey, but I have discovered a freedom and security in abiding with Christ that I have never known before. After reflecting on the last three years, the following is a list of four areas that I have found to be critical in my journey of drawing closer to Christ. 

Part I - Practice spiritual disciplines (and learn new ones)

“You got to take theological truths, gospel truths and you got to pray them, sing them, counsel them, worship them, you have to meditate on them, you have to get them in your heart until they catch fire down there.” - Tim Keller

Formation through spiritual disciplines - these are the group of practices that are designed to teach Biblical truth, remind us of it, and have that truth penetrate into the deep parts of our minds and hearts. We need a steady diet of these practices. Until three years ago, however, the focus of my walk with God was almost exclusively on how well I was able to practice the spiritual disciplines I was aware of at the time. They became another way to measure my performance, and I was not connecting with God in my heart. In recent years, growth has come more from learning how to be with God and not perform for God. This has often been through the practice of silence and other disciplines that I was not familiar with from my church tradition. Still, I came to realize that there were other areas of the journey that needed attention as well.

Part II - Embrace limits

“Often we have larger fantasies and wishes for ourselves than our real lives can support. As a result, we work frantically trying to do more than God intended. We burn out thinking we can do more than we can.” - Pete Scazzero

Though Jesus himself rested and structured his ministry around time with the Father, it was often easier for me to do everything but rest or take a sabbath. This refusal to rest was indicative of other limits I didn’t want to accept, like the limits of my abilities, family, marriage, and spiritual understanding.

What’s so difficult, and necessary, about rest and slowing down is that when we rest, we become very aware of our limitations. Rest exposes our inability to fix or manage what’s inside, and we experience the discomfort that comes with not being able to resolve everything with our own power. This can make us feel vulnerable, but it also deepens our dependence on God. More than just accepting limits, embracing limits is a cornerstone of a healthy identity in Christ. He is God - we are not. Spiritual maturity requires that we recognize and embrace limits.

Part III - Let yourself be known

“Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection.” - Brene Brown

It is very difficult for me to ask for help, or to even acknowledge I need it. I would much rather bear with burdens on my own than share them with others. But I have found that a powerful and necessary way to strengthen my identity in Christ is to let myself be known to a number of trusted friends and advisors. I need a real support system, and that cannot be just one individual, even if that person is my wife. 

For many leaders, even those who are surrounded by people, there is too often an inner loneliness that comes with never truly being known by others. It is in this inner isolation that shame and insecurity can allow sin and deception to take root more quickly. No matter how confident or self-sufficient a person would like to be, there is always a need to address the reality of the brokenness within ourselves, our families, and our organizations. It is important to not go through that journey alone.

Part IV - Face your story

“As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself…The critical issue is allowing yourself to know what you know. That takes an enormous amount of courage.” - Bessel A. van der Kolk

Now comes perhaps the hardest part. Much of what I thought was formative to me as an adult was only part of the story. In fact, my story began before I was born, with the patterns of thoughts and behavior that I inherited from my family of origin. No family is perfect, and that is ok. Our family origins are not our destiny, but ignoring them is fighting the good fight with one hand tied behind our backs. 

It is the same with the hardest parts of our childhoods and life stories. Andy Maurer says that trauma results in disconnection in four primary relationships: with ourselves (as we hide parts of who we are), with others, with God, and with our work (as we turn to work to find our meaning and purpose). These traumas do not need to define us, but they have shaped us in ways that need to be acknowledged and healed. Very often, the beliefs and behaviors we adopted to survive difficult experiences are the very beliefs and behaviors that are keeping us from truly growing in the security and significance that rests on the finished work of Jesus.

By working through family of origin patterns, practicing forgiveness, and healing from trauma, the soil in my heart became far more receptive to the truth that I was a beloved child of God. In conjunction with the other parts mentioned above, what had been mostly head knowledge became a reality much deeper in my heart. This deeper, more secure understanding of my identity has transformed my life, work, and relationships. 

If there is one thing I hope you remember from reading this post, it’s this: keeping your identity in Christ when the going gets tough is not primarily an intellectual endeavor nor a matter of willpower. The lengthy and growing list of leaders who have every intellectual understanding of right and wrong, and still choose the destructive path, will hopefully convince you of this truth.

So where to begin? I encourage you to take the first step of leaving your comfort zone and exploring any one of the parts above that is unfamiliar to you. This first step will naturally lead you to another. If one part of the journey is frustrating to you, take a break, try something else, and come back to the part that was hard. God will meet you on your way and provide everything you need to continue - His power is truly made perfect in our weakness. 

The journey will be difficult at times, and uncomfortable, but well worth the effort. This is the path to increasing freedom from besetting sins, toxic relationships, and deep insecurities. A stronger, more secure identity in Christ will not just benefit you in seasons of trial - it will change the trajectory of your life, your family, and your organization. 

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Resources for the journey:

If you would like a fresh, thoughtful take on ancient spiritual disciplines reimagined for the marketplace leader, I would recommend Spiritual Disciplines for Your Work from the Denver Institute of Faith and Work: https://denverinstitute.org/spiritual-disciplines-for-your-work/. 

For a synthesis of a lifetime of exploring the connection between emotional health, spiritual maturity, and leadership, I recommend Pete Scazzero’s books and materials. Read the first chapter of Emotionally Healthy Spirituality and go from there.

To break through hardened soil in your heart, consider a retreat or intensive experience. Getting out of your daily routine and spending one or more days with other people who are going on this journey can move the needle in ways that an hour a week simply cannot. I recommend We Want More, Ransomed Heart, Onsite, and others like them.

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[ Photo by Arwan Sutanto on Unsplash ]