Pursue Your Spouse
— by Cory Carlson
Are You Intentional with Your Spouse?
One of the major reasons for my affair earlier in our marriage is Holly and I stopped dating each other. We went out together all the time, but it was in groups or double dates. We stopped being intentional with one another. We stopped making time to ask each other questions about ups and downs, hopes and dreams. In the moment I didn’t realize what was happening because we were spending time together, but it was rarely just the two of us. Many of us know date nights are important, but through the busyness of life, it is often one of the first activities we drop. We are tired, it costs money, and the excuses pile up. We are all guilty of saying we had a long week at work and just want to stay in, watch TV, order pizza, and hang with the kids. That is great sometimes, but if it continues for a long period of time, before you know it, you have not been on a date for months, and you’re living as roommates.
In order to have a healthy and thriving marriage, dates should be a non-negotiable. We need to connect with our spouses, understand what is going on in their world, what they are processing, how they are doing, what is on their radar in the months to come—most importantly, what is on their heart. Without dates, we just go from day to day, activity to activity, and we don’t have conversations that go deeper than schedule management.
DON’T WAIT FOR LATER
In one of my workshops a woman said she and her husband don’t go on dates. It is just the season they are in, she said. They will go on dates later.
Sometimes later never comes because marriages without dates don’t last. If a dateless marriage does last, it will be a lukewarm marriage at best. And if a couple does beat the odds, what will they even talk about on the date when they are older? Years have passed without talking to each other about the things that matter most, so the desire to connect may not be there.
Another reason date night is often canceled is that it costs money. Yes, going out to eat, having some drinks, and paying a babysitter adds up, but I guarantee the costs of dates are much cheaper than marriage counseling and especially divorce attorney fees. We need to do our best to push through and have the date, even if it means doing it on the cheap with nachos and beer. The important part is connecting, looking at each other, and having fun.
One of my favorite date nights with Holly happened when we first moved to Cincinnati. We had just moved from Denver and were in a very tight financial situation because we had decided for Holly to quit her job, forgoing a nice salary, so she could stay home with the kids. Living on a small budget, yet knowing we had to go on a date, we went to a bar, had nacho appetizers for our meal, a couple of beers, and sat on a rooftop. It was very low budget, but our intentionality and the fact that we both made the sacrifice to be together made for a special night and a great memory. I still smile when I drive by that sports bar.
Date night for us is now a non-negotiable. We have two dates a month, sometimes more, but never less. If this is a growth area for you, I encourage you to start planning a date night a few times a month.
HAVE FUN TOGETHER
The best way to build stability in your marriage is through friendship. When you hear people, who have been in a healthy marriage for thirty or more years, they often say the reason for their strong marriage is that their spouse is their best friend. So how do we do that?
You love to watch sports, but your wife doesn’t. You love to sew and be creative, but your husband doesn’t. People tell me that it is hard because they don’t like the same stuff as their spouse. I agree, yet that doesn’t stop us with our other friends!
Some of my close friends love golf. I don’t like golf. So we don’t golf together, but we do other things. We trail run and go to FC Cincinnati soccer games. We find things we both enjoy doing.
The same goes for your spouse. Don’t focus on what one of you doesn’t like to do. Find what you both love to do together and do it! Make time for it. If you don’t know what you both like, start trying things out. Go to cooking classes, go on a hike, try tennis, go to concerts, go on a bike ride.
Through activities and adventure with our spouse, we can build a friendship that will help carry the marriage during tough times.
WE DRIFTED
Holly and I had a once-in-a-lifetime vacation a few years ago, an all-expenses-paid trip aboard a private yacht in the British Virgin Islands. According to the couple who lived on the yacht and served as our cooks and tour guides, Robert DeNiro slept in our bed the previous week! Pretty amazing.
Here we are in one of the most beautiful places in the world, so we were excited for some adventure! We decided to do something we had never done—go scuba diving. In the
British Virgin Islands, you could get certified to scuba dive by passing the certification process there on site. This included underwater breathing tests in the swimming pool. Once certified, you then would go out to sea for a two-hour scuba dive.
Long story short, the pool part didn’t go too well for me. I freaked out. Even though the water was only eight feet deep, I kept thinking I would take a deep breath and all this water would come gushing in. The lady doing the certification process was so kind and kept letting me retry, but finally she had to say I was not able to be certified. She knew that if I was this scared in shallow water with zero fish, what would happen in the ocean?!
Holly, on the other hand, passed her test and ran over to share her excitement. Quickly her happiness turned to frustration. It was my idea to spend the time and money to go scuba diving as a couple, but I failed the test. After seeing her excitement, I decided we should go out to sea, she could scuba dive, and I would sit on the boat and watch.
I swallowed my pride, and we rode out to sea with the rest of the group. Everybody with their scuba gear ready to dive except me. I was just in my swimsuit and shirt. I felt like a loser. Plus, the tension was growing greater between Holly and me, as we were spending this time and money for an activity only one of us could do.
After our ride out to sea, it was time for everybody to jump into the ocean to scuba dive. By this point I was looking forward to this time, so I could get a break from the tension. Maybe if Holly saw some beautiful fish, this would all be better for her and me.
Well, it didn’t go as planned. As Holly jumped in and went underwater, she freaked out. Whether she got scared she was going to get eaten by a fish, or breathe in water instead of air, she decided she was done.
So there we sat. Hundreds of dollars down the drain, not to mention the lost opportunity for other activities we could have pursued. Sitting on a nasty boat, frustrated at each other for the whole situation, and forced to sit there and watch everybody have the time of their life scuba diving.
Holly and I had a choice. We could continue to fester in our anger, disappointment, and judgment. Or one of us could break the ice, choose to forgive and have grace for each other, and enjoy the moment.
I don’t remember who broke the ice, but I remember we both made a conscious decision to change our mindsets. We ended up enjoying our couple of hours at sea, and we now look back fondly at that memory.
Sometimes circumstances get in the way of having fun together, but even then, with intentionality we can pull it off.
RECALIBRATION QUESTIONS
When is your next date scheduled?
Do you have a vacation planned for just you two this year?
If you can’t do an evening date, then when can you do a Saturday morning breakfast together?
What is something fun you two could do together in the next month? Tennis, canoe, sporting event?
——
[Thanks to Wiktor Karkocha for the cover photo]