— by Cory M. Carlson

In Matthew 28:19–20 we are called to go and make disciples. A lot of us are familiar with this verse, and we tend to think it applies only outside the home. We spend a lot of time looking for people to go and build into, but if we’re not careful, we can completely overlook our own kids! 

Intentional investments into our kids will have a greater impact than anything else we do. Kids want our time more than anything. Our presence over our provision. Yes, they love their iPhones and tablets, but often they are playing with those because we are not giving them attention. Do you blame them? We do the same thing. When we are at stoplights, in lines, and even on the toilet, we are on our phones. Our kids are like us. 

We need to go out on dates with our kids and do what they want so they feel loved, plus we get to know them better. Yes, there can be some valuable time talking and driving around together, whether we’re going on errands or to and from their activities, but the real value for them is when they know we are taking time out of our schedule to be with them. 

For my teenage daughter, it is going to Starbucks and talking. 

For my younger kids, it’s going out for ice cream or a donut. It doesn’t matter where as long as it is a time in which you are being intentional with your kids. In our family, the goal is to do at least one date per month per kid. 

Parenting is about intentionality with our children, so they know who they are and whose they are, guiding them in what to do with their life and helping shape how to live it out. 

As adults, we all have struggled to better understand our identity. If it is hard for us, think how hard it is for our kids! As parents, we need to be proactive and speak into our kids’ identities. If we don’t guide them properly, somebody else will, and they could end up making similar mistakes as we have, or worse. 

DESIGNING A COMING-OF-AGE CELEBRATION 

A few summers ago, our daughter Kiley turned thirteen, and we wanted to celebrate her transition from a little girl to a young lady. Obviously, coming-of-age celebrations are not a new concept. One thinks of the Bat/Bar Mitzvah, tribal-type ceremonies in other countries, and the over-the-top celebrations on MTV’s My Sweet 16. But Christians and nonreligious people don’t really have a standard coming-of-age celebration. 

In addition, when my wife and I were looking for coming-of-age ceremonies, we found great information for a father to do with his son or for a mother to do with her daughter. 

But we couldn’t find anything for fathers and daughters or both parents and a daughter. 

Stories and studies demonstrate that when children lose their way in life, it often can be traced back to a wound from their earthly father abandoning, ignoring, or abusing them. Later in life they try to fill the father void with sex, work, food, drugs, etc. 

My wife and I wanted to put a stake in the ground. We want- ed to affirm who our daughter is, that she is defined by her identity as a daughter of God, not by how many social media likes she has or whether boys ask for her phone number or whether she’s the best dancer at her studio. We wanted her to know she is living from a place of approval instead of for approval. 

Our ceremony was a combination of resources and ideas from organizations we are involved in or that we came across during preparation. The New Frontier I mentioned earlier has fathers and sons participate in an impactful ceremony during the father/ son weeks in Montana (thenewfrontierministries.org). Also, Senior Pastor Brian Tome of Crossroads Church in Cincinnati did an incredible sermon series and has written a book on The Five Marks of a Man, which includes five significant ways men are different from boys. Again, we were able to incorporate some of this material. The close of our ceremony came from an amazing story in Exodus 38 that I heard author Kate Battistelli talk about on the radio one morning. 

In addition to these resources, my wife and I studied Proverbs 31, which is rich with words and traits of a godly woman. We identified five specific words we felt were significant to a young lady transitioning into a young woman that were applicable to our daughter at this time in her life. If we do this ceremony again when she is older, we may pick other words that are applicable to her at eighteen, such as “entrepreneur” or “business minded.” We may also pick different words for our second daughter, such as “creative,” since she is wired for art and creativity. 

Following are the five words from Proverbs 31 that embody who Kiley is at this time and what we felt God wanted us to affirm in her: 

• CHARACTER—trustworthiness, integrity, wisdom, and kindness (vv. 10–12) 

• COMMITTED—to faith, family, friends, school, and work (vv. 13–19) 

• G E N E R O U S —of time, talent, and treasures (vv. 20–22) 

• INFLUENTIAL—live a life worth imitating (vv. 23–26) 

• EXCELLENCE—everything you do is for the Glory of God (vv. 27–31) 

We then asked some family members and close friends to write a letter to Kiley based on one of the five words. We assigned each person the one word we thought they lived out the most and asked them to write a letter about what this word means to them. For the men involved, we also asked them to share how they see it played out in a godly woman. For the women, we asked them to reflect on how the assigned word has affected their lives and to offer any wisdom they could share with a thirteen-year-old girl. 

We then put all the letters in a beautifully bound book with pictures from throughout Kiley’s life. I cannot tell you how amazing the book is! The treasure of the book in itself is worth doing the ceremony! We often joke that we could sell this book on Amazon and just substitute the name of the customer for our daughter’s name. The book is full of incredible insight and wisdom. 

I invited the men who wrote a letter to come to our house around 4:00 p.m. on her birthday and discuss the words with our daughter. I’m not going to lie; it started off a little awkward with Kiley at the head of the dining room table and these grown men sitting around the table and staring at her. But after a few awkward minutes it burst open with greatness. We discussed each word for about fifteen minutes, the guys read their letters, and we prayed over her. 

Now, will she remember all the great things these men said that night? Absolutely not. I don’t even remember. But she will always have their letters, and she will not forget there are godly men who can speak into her life, help her out when needed, or just be prayer warriors working behind the scenes for her. She knows she is not alone. 

The next part of the celebration was when my wife and I took her to a fancy dinner that evening. We got dressed up, ate a nice meal, celebrated her, and we each shared our thoughts with her based on the five words. The dinner was special. Laughs and tears. 

Then we came back home. Now it was Holly and a group of women sitting around the table with Kiley, and they did the same thing. The ladies talked about the five words, ate dessert, and had a great time. 

BURN YOUR MIRRORS 

The last part of our night was the perfect close to an amazing evening. Holly and I have participated in a ceremony called “Burn Your Ships” at Crossroads Church, which is based on a story from the 1500s when Captain Hernán Cortés landed in Veracruz and told his crew to burn their ships because they were not going to retreat. I have always liked this idea of burning your ships or fears or whatever is holding you back, so when I heard this story from Kate Battistelli on Exodus 38:8, I knew we had to include it in our ceremony. 

The Bible tells us the Israelite women were asked to burn their bronze mirrors so the liquid metal could be used in constructing the washbasins at the tabernacle. Kate said this illustrates that while women are beautiful and reflect God’s glory, how women look should not define their self-image or come before their identity as God’s daughter. 

We gave Kiley a bronze mirror and a marker to write on it anything she was struggling with, that was getting in the way of her relationship with God or just holding her back from living life to the full. I don’t know what she wrote on the mirror because it was private, but I am sure it had to do with pressure to get perfect grades, social media likes, getting a boyfriend, being a great dancer, and the list goes on. After she was done writing, we had her throw it in the fire! 

After she threw the mirror in the fire, we watched it burn, symbolizing that all those fears and worries were burned. They do not define her. We celebrated and then gave her a new bronze mirror with the five words from the ceremony embroidered on the mirror frame! 

The evening was amazing. 

We must affirm our kids for who they are now and cast a vision for who they can become, not what the noise of the world is telling them. Somebody is building into your kids. Make your voice louder than the others. 

MORE THAN JUST A DAY 

Kiley’s coming-of-age celebration was an amazing experience, but it happened over the course of one day. Obviously, declaring our children’s identities is not just a one-day project. Once we had the ceremony, it was critical to continue with regular investments. 

Kiley and I go on dates and discuss how she is living out the five words in her life as well as how she is living as a daughter of God. When Holly and I see her exemplifying a positive character trait, we affirm her. When Kiley is deflated due to a bad test result or unsatisfactory dance recital, we remind her that she is not defined by her test results or dance ranking, but instead she is a daughter of God. Similarly, if she gets first place and pride creeps in, no question we are there to cheer her on, but over time we also discuss the risks of tying identity to temporal success. 

Without the regular investments, the temptations of how the world defines failure and success will start to creep in and affect Kiley’s mindset. The identity ceremony requires follow up to provide transformation and lifelong impact, otherwise it is just an inspirational night and nice memory. 

NEVER TOO EARLY OR TOO LATE 

Some of you may be thinking your kids are too young, or maybe you think you missed the boat because your kids are in their twenties. 

It is never too early or too late! 

For those with young kids, how amazing to be learning about the importance of identity at this age in your child’s life. Our kids’ identity needs to be tied to character, values, and mindset instead of their achievements (straight A’s, goals scored in a soccer game, etc.). As you compliment your kids at this young age, be sure to compliment their character over their competency. Compliment their values over their outcomes. 

Getting this right now will set them up for success later. 

You are also never too late to affirm your kids’ identity! Even if they are out of the house or already married, it is not too late. All children need to have their identity spoken over them, especially by their parents. 

At The New Frontier we will get a father in his fifties or sixties with his son in his twenties or thirties, and to have that father speak over his son is always a tear-jerker for me. Nothing can make a young man feel so vulnerable, yet honorable, as to hear words of affirmation and identity spoken over him by his earthly father. 

LESSONS FROM THE #METOO MOVEMENT 

In recent years women have begun reporting high-powered men who sexually abused or harassed them in their Hollywood, business, or news media careers. This became known as #MeToo Movement because female victims were using social media and the #MeToo hashtag as a way to build awareness. 

Affirming our kid’s identity is critical for many reasons, one of which is that our kids are tomorrow’s leaders. We need to be correctly affirming their identity, so they can humbly yet confidently lead and not be a prey or the predator in sexual harassment, racial or gender discrimination, or other abuses of power in the workplace. 

We need to affirm our sons’ identities, so they do not slip throughout life and end up being a predator—looking for affirmation of who they are, trying to fill a void in their heart, and pursuing immediate gratification. We need to affirm our daughters’ identities too, so they can have the self-confidence and self-esteem to avoid compromising situations. 

RECALIBRATION QUESTIONS 

1. Which of your kids need to have their identity affirmed?

2. How and when will you do the identity ceremony?

3. How have you complimented your children’s character over their competency lately?

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[Thanks to Alex Guillaume for the cover photo]