— by Seth Buechley

When launching a new venture or entering a new phase of life, finding a mentor is always an important goal.  Knowing someone we can trust with life’s most important decisions is a big deal.  What major should I pick? Should I leave the corporate job and start my own business?  Is now a good time to buy a house?  Ultimately, these decisions are ours to own, but what a blessing to have a mentor to consult with.

Unfortunately, many have lost hope, or at least traction, in finding a mentor.  Culturally, the process of mentoring it’s still a bit blurry and undefined, perhaps the equivalent of “discipleship” in the church.  We’ve heard about it, but we’re not sure whose job it is, where it happens or where we can sign up.

It seems that mentoring is both a lost art and critical need. Each new generation is wondering, where's my mentor?

To reach our God-given potential, I believe each of us needs mentors. I also believe anyone can find a mentor if they know what they’re looking for.

I’ve been fortunate to have several mentors along my journey and, over time, I’ve discovered what I believe are four primary marks of a mentor.

Each of us know teachers, coaches, gurus, and pastors…but they’re not necessarily mentors to us. A mentor is more like a guide walking alongside us as we grow.

Here’s are the four marks of the mentor we should be seeking; 

#1. Wisdom

A mentor is somebody who has wisdom they are willing to share. 

Note that I didn't say information, opinions, likes, or follows. Those are abundant in today's digital world. Wisdom is different. Wisdom is the battle-tested application of truth and, according to James 1:5, it is given generously by God. A lot of wisdom comes from pain. It comes from failure. It comes from living life and listening for lessons as God reveals them. There is simply no shortcut for experience. 

But note the back part of the phrase - it's wisdom that they're willing to share. Unfortunately, today we see extremely talented people who are too self-focused, busy, or needy, to have time left over for sharing what they have. They’ve gathered insight and even wisdom to the point of overflowing, but they've never made the important shift to sharing it with others. They can’t be bothered from chasing their dreams to attend to the dreams of others. If someone has made themselves unapproachable or even unavailable…well, they’re not your mentor.

Cain famously asked God, “Am I my brother’s keeper?”, raising a question humanity has wrestled with ever since.

A mentor knows that their gifts have been given by God for the benefit of others as well as their own joy.

#2. Time

A mentor is somebody that will invest time to get to know you. 

Why would we take important advice from someone who doesn’t know us? 

A mentor will take the time to get to know you personally...and you’ll get to know them as you walk together.  You’ll share history, strengths, fears, and dreams with each other.  This provides the context for real relationship and shared insights.  Both context and contact are critical in the mentoring relationship and this can only happen with time.

It’s also important that someone looking for a mentor pick an appropriate target.  I’m not saying to aim low, but at each stage of our growth we each have a strata of experience, need, and influence.  Our ideal mentor should be several steps ahead of us on the road we’d like to travel.  Not a mile ahead, and certainly not behind us.

Though it sounds exhilarating, someone starting their first small business likely doesn’t need to be mentored by a billionaire because the two will be running on completely different stratas.

This investment of time also speaks to the power of relationship vs the value of insights.  Insights are important but knowing and being known by a mentor is more valuable than the information exchanged in the mentoring process.

#3. Love

A mentor is somebody who loves you.

Not a squishy kind of overly sentimental love and certainly not an erotic love, but Biblical love motivated purely towards the benefit other person.   

It doesn't mean that they only say nice things to you. In fact, some of the most important and most loving conversations you're ever going to have will happen when somebody confronts you and calls you to your potential.  But a true mentor is never going to be manipulative and they're never going to allow themselves to get tripped up in a conflict of interest by giving you advice that's really intended to benefit them. 

A true mentor loves you, has your back, and is looking out for your interests. They will follow the instructions of Ephesian 4:15 and “speak truth in love”. Even when it hurts.

Would you take advice with regard to life's most important decisions from somebody that doesn't love you and want you to succeed? I hope the answer is no. 

#4. Values

Your mentor will be values-aligned.

At first glance, this mark of a mentor may seem controversial to some, because it might feel narrow-minded or exclusionary.  But realistically, how can we closely follow the path of someone who has a different worldview when it comes to why we are here on earth and how we keep score?   

In my experience, people I admire who don’t pass this last test evolve into allies and friends, but not truly mentors.  In our early years many of us are still codifying our values and a mentor can significantly shape those values.  However, once we know what we truly believe about God and revealed truth, following someone headed the opposite direction simply becomes untenable.  At some point we have to decide if we believe there is a King in the Kingdom and what that means in the way we live our lives.  A mentor encourages and challenges you on your journey because they are, ultimately, on the same journey.

Looking back, I’ve found this list to be helpful in explaining why certain people had a huge impact on my life as well as why some people I’d hoped would be a mentor to me never became one.  

Once we’re clear on these marks of a mentor, something else happens.  We get clearer on our own responsibility and opportunity to be a steward of the influence we’ve been given, particularly as the sunset of our career comes into view.

Eventually we should shift from asking “Am I my brother’s keeper?” to “Am I being the mentor I always hoped for”.

——

Seth Buechley is the CEO of Cathedral Consulting, host of the Business Done Right podcast, and the author of Ambition: Leading with Gratitude.  A lifelong entrepreneur with several multi-million dollar exits, Seth is focused today on helping entrepreneurs with momentum build value through advisory services and capital. Connect with Seth via LinkedIn, Facebook or his website at SethBuechley.com

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